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Announcement from Santa Claus...

Announcement from Santa Claus...

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I
will no longer be able to serve Southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
current population of the earth, my contract was re-
negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio,
Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part
of the new and better contract I also get breaks for
milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good
hands with your local replacement who happens to be
my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good
boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus
prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork
rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff
though, so please have an empty spit can
handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks
Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner
and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin
and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba
claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words "Back off".
the last I heard it also had other decorations on
the sleigh back as well. Ford and Chevy logos with
lights that race through the letters and a caricature
of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing
into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were
you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids look
the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree, if you know what I mean.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been
sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer"
and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on
all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song
titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the
Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas
Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams
Jr.'s "If You Dont Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It"

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Clause
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

Merriest of Christmases and Happiest of New Years...

Submitted by Pasadena Phil
 






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