HOW TO ESCAPE AN AWFUL DATE
By SCOTT STEVENS
IF YOU'RE a single person, there's no way to avoid bad dates. But you CAN minimize the damage by making them short, says relationships expert Dexter Dumond, author of the book, I Wet My Pants . . . And Other Ways to Escape a Disastrous Date.
"A bad date is one of life's worst experiences," Dumond says. "Especially if it comes after you've been in a good relationship. You think 'Oh God, how did I get here?' "
Many people think they have to stay on the date to be polite, or because they want to avoid hurting the other person's feelings. That's nonsense, says Dumond.
"You don't do anybody a favor by wasting their time. And chances are, they're feeling the same way, and are dying to be rid of you, too."
Bad dates fall into two categories, Dumond says: "Blind," and "Dates where you've met before" Each type requires a different exit strategy.
For blind dates, Dumond recommends arriving a few minutes late. "That way you can secretly see the person before you sit down.
"Sometimes you know instantly that you're not interested," Dumond says. "In that case, you can:
Not show up. "Call their cell phone and say you got into a car accident and can't make it."
Sit down with a ready-made exit line like, "I just came from the hospital and learned my sister is dying. I can't stay."
Two minutes after sitting down receive an "emergency" phone call (which you preprogrammed), that you must attend to.
But sometimes you're already out with someone before you realize you have nothing in common. "You COULD just say 'I'm sorry, this isn't working,' " Dumond says, "But that's confrontational. It's much more FUN to act like a total jerk and get THEM to leave YOU." Some of Dumond's favorite techniques include:
Every time your date says something, nod enthusiastically and say, "Y'know, my mother says EXACTLY the same thing."
Return from the rest room with water sprayed on your crotch, and say "I had an accident."
Hit on your waitress for her phone number.
Over dinner, talk about your hemorrhoids.
Start talking in a foreign language. When your date asks why you're speaking in a foreign language, look puzzled and answer "I'm not." Then keep doing it.
Tell her you left your wallet home, and the evening's on her. "This is especially great if she can SEE the outline of your wallet in your pocket."
Pull out a Batman comic book and ask, "How often do you suppose Batman and Robin have sex?"
Mention that you voted for Osama Bin Laden in the recent Presidential election.
"If your date doesn't leave when you do these, it means she's incredibly desperate and you can just take her home and have sex," Dumond says.
Submitted by Pasadena Phil