An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, "Where were you on the night of October to April?"
It's so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.
An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver asks, "'Bout what?"
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), the FBI, and the CIA want to see who is best at catching perps. So a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later, dragging a bruised mountain lion behind them. The mountain lion's yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
How do you know you're in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car.
What's the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? The Kennedys don't own Connecticut.
A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" says the pharmacist.
"That's it! I can never remember that word."
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law.
How do you know you live in Georgia? When all directions start with "Go down Peachtree ..." and include the phrase "When you see the Waffle House ..."
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust every natural resource I have made. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn:
Commander: Whoever starts the unit.
Second in Command: His best friend.
Auxiliary Commander: His wife.
Captain: New guy.
Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.
This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough."
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free .
What do they call 100 John Deere's circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night.
What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They're all fixin' to lose a trailer.
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it'd been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
After surveying property along the New Hampshire and Maine border, some engineers decided the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire. "Good," said the farmer. "I couldn't take another one of those Maine winters."
An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by. "Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?"
"Sure, buddy," says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.
"That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?"
The plebe snaps to attention and barks, "No, sir!"
Lewis Black on Boston traffic: "The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'"
What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television? The Detroit Lions.
What are the four seasons in Minnesota? Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, "Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?"
The bartender says, "Listen, pal, I'm from St. Louis, and I won't appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he's from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?"
"No," says the guy from Kansas City. "Not if I have to explain it three times."
Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California. Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window. "What are you doing?" asks the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these things in Idaho, I'm sick of looking at them."
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window. "What are you doing?" asks the gal from Montana.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them."
Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out.
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Las Vegas: All the amenities of modern society in a habitat unfit to grow a tomato.
The state motto is "Live Free or Die," which appears on license plates made by prisoners.
--Jon Stewart on The Daily Show
As you know, the bear hunting season in New Jersey is a little bit different. First they shoot the bear and then they bury it in a construction site.
--Late Show with David Letterman (CBS)
Traveling outside Taos, a man comes upon a Native American lying in the middle of the road with his ear pressed against the blacktop. "What are you doing?" asks the man.
The tribesman replies, "Woman, late 30s, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph."
"Amazing! You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," says the Native American. "They ran over me five minutes ago."
I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified.
On his first trip to Boston, the North Carolinian met a girl at a bar and asked her, "Do you go to Harvard?"
The girl responded, "Yale."
"Okay. DO YOU GO TO HARVARD?!"
What's a seven-course meal in North Dakota? A hamburger and a six-pack.
How do you know you're from Ohio? You own only three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
How can you tell if an Oklahoman is married? There's dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses him aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan,
"Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?"
"They're from Oregon," Satan replies. "They're too wet to burn."
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A mechanic.
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
Rhode Island: Size ain't everything
Rhode Island: Nobody famous came from Rhode Island
While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore.
Halfway there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do anything," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em."
A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Do you know what you get when you play a country tune backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your dog back …
Kinky Friedman, entertainer and former Texas gubernatorial candidate, explains how to speak Texanese: "Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive."
An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he'll live to be a hundred.
"Do you smoke or drink?" asks the doctor.
"Those things have never and will never touch my lips," says the man.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"
"Nope, don't believe in doing any of that, either."
"Well then," says the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
What did the guy from Burlington say to the
Pillsbury Doughboy? "Hey, nice tan."
Strange Richmond Virgina Law: It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee.
In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
What is the West Virginia state flower? The satellite dish.
Sven notices his neighbor has a sign in his yard-"Boat for Sale."
"Ole," he says, "you don't own a boat. All you got is your old tractor and your combine."
"Yup," said Ole. "And they're boat for sale."
Why are cowboys' hats turned up on the sides? So that three people can fit in the pickup.