Thing's I Didn't Learn In Hebrew School
THINGS I DIDN'T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10 Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11.Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12.Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13.Spring ahead; fall back - winters in Boca.
14. WASP's leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida
SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."