You might be a redneck if. . .
These Are All Written By Jeff Foxworty...Try Not To Pee Your Pants
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the h--l are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.