Strange Answering Machine Messages
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the
office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with
me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this
thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the
light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right.
Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand
the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens
if I touch this... YOW!
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go
on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to
say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've
decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my
caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me...
Hi, this is Mal. You know, it's a real pain leaving a message
on a machine. BEEP.
(Modified from Woody Allen:) I don't have a lot a rapport with
anything that I can't reason with, intimidate, or fondle.
Consequently, I hate talking to machines, but I'd love it if
you'd talk to mine.
(Owner is a hard-to-reach person:) Yes, I finally got an
answering machine. (To Handel's Messiah:) Alleluia! Alleluia!
Alleluia! Alleluia! All-e-lu-ia! Please leave a message at
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht
had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum
people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a
garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a
message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we
don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
What you are about to hear is not a beep. It is a digitally
This answering machine has a short attention span, and it WILL
hang up on you if leave a boring message.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the
way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good
boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
(Computer style monotone:) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five
answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor
to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong..
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm
open to suggestions.
(or)Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right
now, but the phone is.
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left
me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in
the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
toast is done... (Cachunk!)
I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am
leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages
either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you
wait to not leave a message.
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances
have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause
my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep,
and you can be sure it's in the bag.
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just
eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say,
if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
hold it up to the phone.
(Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the
former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the
functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk.
If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the
(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious
you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your
name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar
to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly
Lindsey's not home now. This is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message,
and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to
me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.
Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery