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Special Letter to Santa



Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy
bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from
one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa,
but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or
I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't
wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much
smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any
idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up
your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably
white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and
MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo
over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's
with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with
him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have
to twist, just get it done.

6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut
it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising
account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete
with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough
ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my
very own pain gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs;
or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch
and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my
vinyl.

10.Mattel stock options.It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.


OK, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you Can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie
 






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