YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA IF:
You make over $250,000 a year and still can't afford a house.
It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
Your child's third grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
You've been to a baby shower for an infant who has two mothers and a sperm donor.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
The guy in line at Starbucks, wearing the baseball cap, sunglasses, and looks like George Clooney, IS George Clooney.
Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
It's sprinkling out, and there's a report on every news channel about "THE STORM!"
Over 85% of the cities, towns, and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los.
Two overcast days in a row drive you mad.
A family of four owns six vehicles.
Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods and snowstorms are way worse than earthquakes, which are, after all, over almost as soon as you realize what's happening.
Even if the store is across the street, you drive there.
And finally, a question:
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians cannot afford to turn on the lights.