On Visiting Wisconsin This Summer - Do it, Go Home
Visiting Wisconsin this Summer
How to save your ass if you plan to visit Wisconsin this summer
Issued by the Wisconsin Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Lodge. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.
2. Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Sheboygan, Menomonee, Onalaska, Nekoosa, Prairie du Chien, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.
3. Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called "pop". Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5. We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here, unlike some places where people are allowed to live off parents past the age of 16. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass. We are also not dumb enough to elect a Professional Wrestler to our highest state office. People like that should have their ass kicked.
6. Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass fish and cows. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And don't laugh at our love and pride of cheese or we'll kick your ass.
7. We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
8. Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heavenís sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
9. Don't try to fake a Wisconsin accent. We don't have an accent. That will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked many times.
10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hellholes like Detroit, Chicago, and New York and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 90, 94, and 43 are ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.
11. Along the same lines, donít try to tell us we donít have beaches like California, Virginia, Florida, and North Carolina. We got two great lakes, lakes up the ass, and the biggest river on the continent. You knock our beaches and weíll kick your ass.
12. Don't complain that Wisconsin has too many mosquitoes and farmland. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Chicago.
13. Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
14. Donít lie to any of us. If we donít find out right away, we will eventually. We will then kick your ass.
15. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the farm or in the woods? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.
16. Anyone from any point further south than the Mason-Dixon line will have their ass kicked back to whence they came. If you are from Virginia, we will kick your ass using with some LaCrosse Steel reinforced boots.
17. Oshkosh B'gosh is NOT a joke. Your ass will be kicked.
18. Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairies should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box minus your ass.
Enjoy your visit and then go home.