1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the dried fruit gets stuck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for consisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who likes fruitcake anyway?