Signs Santa Claus Is An Alcoholic
Has the opinion that F. Lee Bailey can't really "pack it away" like a man.
I don't know about his drinking, but if he's seeing you while you're sleeping, he's probably a perv.
Calls a press conference...announces that he and Boris Yeltsin are one and the same.
When cute children tell Santa "I love you", he replies, "You're still not getting my Bud Light"
He jumps down a manhole and wonders where the tree is.
You find vension in your stocking.
50-50 chance Betty Ford will release him by Dec. 24.
The man thinks he lives at the North Pole with elves running everywhere and that reindeer can fly. Tests for more serious substance abuse might be called for.
"A bottle of Scotch he held tight in his teeth, and the stench it encircled his head like a wreath. There came a sick groan from his little round belly, and he vomited booze all over the telly!
"...and out on the lawn, there was such a sound, it was Santa, keeled over, puking upon the ground, and I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight, "Gosh darn it all, I drank too much tonight!!!"
He suggests mommy should come sit on his lap too.
Leaps from rooftop to rooftop yelling, "I am the pumpkin king! I can do anything!"
When he laughs, his beer belly shakes like a bowl full of jello shots.
After years of untouched cookies and milk, you find success in leaving beer and pretzels by the fireplace.
Looks to Mrs. Claus, says "Ho Ho Ho" and isn't laughing.
Two words: elf intervention.
Mrs. Claus seen in the company of Easter Bunny at Knicks game.
"I'm sorry kids, but if Santa dosn't get a new liver, there won't be a Christmas."
He refuses to take the mandatory breathalizer test at the Serbian border.
Starts to hang out with the wrong crowd, including deadbeats like the Great Pumpkin.