The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
ONE A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly Blonde), picked up the phone,listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles fromhere!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know,some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."
TWO Two Blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it,looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second Blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, and it's me!"
THREE A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the Blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The Blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOUR A Blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, and askme, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The Blonde replies, "Oh,that's easy: W."
FIVE What did the Blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIX A Blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the statetrooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the Blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the Blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officersaid, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
SEVEN Returning home from work, a Blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels,and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the Blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
WE BLONDES MUST GET OUR FACTS STRAIGHT
Three Blondes died in an accident trying to jump theGrand Canyon.
They are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Petertells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.
The question posed by St. Peter is, "What is Easter"?
The first Blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when we all get together, eat turkey and are thankful."
"Wrong! You are not welcome here, I'm afraid.You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter.
Then he turns to the second Blonde, and asks her the same question, "What is Easter?" The second Blonde replies,"Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second Blonde, bangs his head on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place; she is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third Blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is?"
The third Blonde smiles confidently and looks St.Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
Then the third Blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives.
The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new Blonde wife crying.
So the husband inquires,"What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."
So off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new Blonde wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now,Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."
Again the husband smiles and says,"Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"
So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new Blonde bride naked, sliding down the banister of the stairs.
Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.
After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?"
"Warming up your supper!" she replies.
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE
80,000 Blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A Blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 Blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance!! Give her another chance!!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you together in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed,looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened, the Blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!" GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says "OK! OK!" Just one more chance! What's 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream." GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
A SMART BLONDE? V1.0
Alawyer and a Blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The Blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a Blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.... "Okay, how about this"If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the Blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mailsto all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the Blonde and hands her $50.
The Blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks,"Well, so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the Blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,and goes back to sleep.
BLONDES ON WEIGHT
A Blonde's doctor put her on adiet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
BLONDES ON CARS
A Blonde tried to sell her oldcar. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a Brunette she worked with her at a salon.
The Brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the Blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said theBrunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repairshop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the Blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the Brunette asked the Blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the Blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Two friends, a Blonde and a Brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh,crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again, for no reason."
The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"
The Brunette says, "Oh sure,but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The Blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
A SMART BLONDE? V2.0
"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the men's magazine explained.
"It's too obvious that your Blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black".
The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.
"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.
She smiled sweetly and said,"Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."
She was only a computer programmer's daughter, and she was a piece of user-friendly software who grabbed men's joysticks, turned their floppies into hard drives, went down at the touch of a button, was easy to enter, and let them come interface.
GOT TO BE A BLONDE!
There was a Blonde virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
IT WAS THE DOG
The Blonde man was crying at the bar, and the bartender gave him a free drink.
"What's the trouble?" asked the friendly bartender.
"I got kicked out of chef school," said the Blonde.
"They said I gave them the oldest excuse in thebook, and all I did was tell the truth."
"What did you say?"
"I told them the dog ate my homework."
AH HA!SO THAT'S THE ANSWER!!!
This actually happened at Harvard University in October of last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young Blonde female (freshman) raised her handand asked "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in male semen as there is in sugar?
"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.
Totally straight-faced he answered her question; "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat."
The man had taken his date, a young Blonde woman, to see a famous pianist. Halfway through, she tapped on his shoulder.
"What's he playing?" sheasked.
"Chopin's Polonaise in A-flat," he responded.
"Oh," she sighed, "I could have sworn it was a piano."
There are three 6th grade girls: a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead.
Which one has the biggest tits?
The Blonde.... she's 18.
We blonds at the ofise are tired of all the the dumstoopid jokes about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stressand makes our roots turn dark. We have hired a loyer and he is torking to theloyers at Clairol. We will take this all the way to the supream cort if we havetwo. Juj Thomas nose all about hairassment and he will be on are side. We havealso torked to the govner to make a new law to stop this pursicushun. We want alaw that makes peepol tell brewnet jokes as much as blond jokes and every sooffen a red hed joke. If we don't get our way we will not date ennybody thatain't blond and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the blonds at the ofise (sine with a pensul so you can eraceit if you make a mistake)
Sally (a Blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large birdcage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.
Liz "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay, but you look so sad.Why?"
Sally, "Because I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."
Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were Blonde, one was a Brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the Brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of theothers.
All the Blondes applauded.
A Blonde had just gotten a new sportscar and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over.When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the Blonde "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut upher leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the Blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
THE BLONDE AND THE TAILPIPE
A Blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hailstorm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls and her car gets dented up really bad.
The next day she takes it in to a repair shop to havethe dents looked at. The repair guy noticing that she is Blonde and quite dingy when she speaks, decides to have some fun and tells her to blow into the tailpipe of the car really hard when she gets home, and that doing this will cause all of the dents to pop out.
When she gets home she starts blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she can, over and over.
Just then, her best friend who also is Blonde shows up.
Her friend sees her blowing into the tail pipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out all flippantly, "What are you doing?"
She tells her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.
Her girlfriend says "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"
A Blonde is driving down the road.She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at the gas station. While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to see how the Blonde is faring.
The Blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger around and around, while the Blonde inside of the car is saying, "A little more to the left... a little more to the right."
A Blonde walks into a pawnshop. She looks around for a while and then approaches the clerk.
"I would like to buy that TV over there."
The clerk says, "I am sorry lady, but we don't serve Blondes here."
The Blonde leaves in a huff.
The next day she returns wearing a brunette wig.
"I would like to purchase that TV over there."
Again the clerk says, "Lady I told you yesterday, we do not serve Blondes."
Now the Blonde is furious. The next day she dresses like a man. She approaches the clerk and says in a deep voice, "I would like to purchase that TV over there."
The clerk says, "Lady, I told you twice already. We do not sell to Blondes!"
She says to the clerk, "How can you tell? Yesterday I wore a wig and today I am dressed like a man. How can you tell it is me?"
He laughs and replies,"Because that's a microwave."
Bambi, the Blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA, sat in her U.S.
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "that was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware."
A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.
The next day, two groups of workers show up-a crew of five Italian men and a crew of five Blonde women.
The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test.
The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns. "YAY!!"they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"
"Good work, men," saysthe boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long?' Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the Blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!"