Late Night Jokes about the Olympics
Friday Night February 23
Sarah Hughes won the gold medal the other night! We're all happy for her! Michelle Kwan was great too, she was very generous. Have you now noticed that all of a sudden men are experts on skating? Husbands will be watching and see someone fall down and say to their wives, "That's bad, that’s going to cost her."
Did you know that the average skater weighs 90 pounds? And that's with the gold medal!
Sarah was on a cell phone after the event – apparently she was talking to her congressman. That darn Gary Condit! What a sleaze, she's only 16!
I would like to announce that I am protesting last night's monologues. The judging was unfair; it was Letterman people judging me last night.
Russia is now saying that they might pull out of the games and go home – well, they should have no problem getting through the "medal" detectors on their way back.
In speed skating, South Korea is considering a lawsuit because of the race with Apolo Anton Ono. It sure didn't take them long to figure out how things work in America!
New York City has a taxicab driver shortage. We are down some 3,000 cabs! So they are now screening for drivers. They are screening for bad driving records, criminal records and bad eyesight. If you have all three, you're in!
Spring is right around the corner. You can tell because the first Yankee has been arrested in Tampa. (Dwight Gooden was arrested for DUI.)
This is the last weekend for the Olympics! So if you haven't picked up your gold medals yet, this is the last weekend to do so!
The medal count right now is the Free World 168, the Axis of Evil – zero!
Some say that figure skating is not a sport. Don't kid yourself. You can injure your chin, your head and your knees – it's like being a Clinton intern.
Thursday Night February 21
I was almost late getting here this afternoon. Some Korean driver cut me off in traffic.
Did you see that last night? The Korean speed skater was disqualified. He was mad! He was so mad that he went home and not only kicked the dog, but ate it too.
Jim Shea was a big winner in the skeleton event. He’s the first three-generation Olympian from the United States. Skeleton is a very fast sport. Shea said that the key to his victory was visualization - he visualized himself as an Enron share plummeting downward.
President Bush is in China. He's trying to persuade the Chinese not to sell nuclear secrets to other countries. The Chinese have said, "No, we worked hard to steal those from you, we can do whatever we want with those secrets!"
My name is Dave and I want to remind you that this is the technical portion of the show.
We are in the middle of a drought here in New York City and the Central Park Reservoir is almost dried up. The good thing about this is that it's solved a lot of missing person cases.
President Bush was sitting there eating, and he took the fortune cookie and opened it up – and he found another missing Al Gore ballot!
There are all these sledding events at the Olympics. They have this big icy track and there’s one event where you sit down, another event where you stand up and then there's one where you lie down. I don't have a punchline for this joke, but if I did – it would have the name Clinton.