- Holiday Diet
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...
* 1/2 grapefruit
* 1 slice whole wheat toast
* 8 oz. skim milk
* 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
* 1 cup steamed spinach
* 1 cup herb tea
* 1 Oreo cookie
* The rest of Oreos in the package
* 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
* 1 jar hot fudge sauce
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
* 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
* 3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
* Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
* If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
* If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
* When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
* Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
* If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
* Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
* Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
* Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
* Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
* Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
* Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
* Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER! STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS
Submitted by Tommy F